Face Shield

I've broken three pairs of RayBans now, and I've lost God knows how many Oakleys and other retarded eyewear. I actually liked some of those sunglasses, but it's getting hard to keep up with my expensive habit of buying and then destroying them. Instead of going in for a rectal cleansing at Sunglass Hut, I decided to do the hipster/bum thing and look for a very cheap pair or two.

I went to vintage stores, drug stores, and even sunglasses stores, trying to see what I could find. Let me now remind you that my head is the size of a heavy medicine ball, and I have trouble wrapping most pairs around it. So not only am I an over-sized man in general, but I have to suffer with the pain of clerks at Sunglass Hut relegating me to the Andre the Giant rack which features lots of plywood and plexi-glass. "Why don't we give this welding mask a try?"

Anyway, I ended up with two pairs (or is it 'two pair', as in poker?): boring fake aviators with mirrored lenses that are still too small and a pair of enormous fake aviators with tortoise-colored plastic rims. Apparently I was meant to be a pilot.

Total cost: $19. Lack of satisfaction: priceless.

The search continues. I challenge anyone to recommend a good brand of sunglasses that fit big heads and aren't BlueBlockers.