Mystery Hole

No, I'm not referring to the ever elusive 8th orifice. I'm referring to the Mystery Hole in West Virginia.

In planning a rafting trip on the New River in West Virginia on Memorial Day weekend, I asked a friend (who happened to be a Mountaineer and a New River veteran) if he had any suggestions. On top of a couple of restaurants (one of which was called "Tudor's Biscuit World"!), he said that the 15-20 minute ride out to the Mystery Hole was well worth it. He said that I'd be "flabbergasted".

Anyway, after reading the Mystery Hole's website, I don't know if I'm ready for the terror that lies just a short drive out of Fayetteville.

Roadsideamerica.com couldn't even give the particulars:

It is difficult to describe what goes on within The Mystery Hole, since it is so mysterious that we are forbidden to reveal it. We can tell you (since it's in the brochure) that you will see a ball roll uphill and a person sitting in a chair somehow balanced on a strip of wood on a wall. Those who have visited other "Mystery" attractions can guess at some of the other freaky hoo-ha that goes on here -- and staging it in a sealed-in underground "hole" is a unique touch that improves its effect. The "Miss Mystery Spot," and "Miss New River Gorgeous" gags are also enjoyable -- but that's all that we can say.

At this point, I'm thinking that it's something that a bunch of hillbillies cooked up after they ingested psylocibin-crusted pig shit. Or perhaps it was the result of a bet to see how many yankees they could get to pay to see a hole in the ground.

Whatever it is, it's bound to be stupid. I will report back.

Fuckin' hillbillies.

Flux Capacitor on eBay

I've always wanted to go back in time to when I used to ride a skateboard to high school while being towed by a pick-up truck. With Kenny Loggins in the background.

Those were the days.

Honestly, I never thought that it would happen. However, I'm beginning to think there's a chance. Someone is selling a home-made flux capacitor on eBay. I don't have a DeLorean, but I figure that's the easy part of the time machine to find.

Experience the Devil Rays

Deadspin links to this hilarious video which documents a night at Tropicana Field in Tampa, FL. Great stuff.

Wolfensohn Quits

I don't mean to be so serious on a Friday morning, but I feel obliged to point out an article in TIME Magazine by Tony Karon. It's called "Is the Hard Line Against Hamas Working?", and it reports on the events surrounding the resignation of UN-appointed economic advisor to the Palestinan Authority James Wolfensohn (you might remember that Mr. Wolfensohn was World Bank Chief before Wolfowitz).

Wolfensohn's reason for resigning:

He said the current U.S.-Israeli financial blockade of the Hamas-led Palestinian Authority looks set to destroy the administrative institutions on which a two-state solution would be based, and negate 12 years and billions of dollars of investment by the international community in establishing the infrastructure of Palestinian self-rule.

...

Israeli papers report that Wolfensohn's decision also came in response to the U.S. — at the behest of Israeli officials — blocking a plan by Britain, the E.U. and the Arab League to have salaries of PA employees paid directly into their bank accounts, bypassing the Hamas administration. U.S. Treasury officials have warned that any banks processing such transactions would face sanctions from Washington, and none dared risk being shut out of the international finance system. That blocked a plan by Middle Eastern governments such as Iran, Qatar and Saudi Arabia to provide the tens of millions of dollars needed to pay the salaries on which close to half of Palestinian households depend.

The US is making damn sure that a two-state solution won't happen any time soon.

US government policy is to starve Palestinians because of their majority choice in a democratic election. On the other hand, we're letting Israel basically do whatever it wants, watching them take advantage of the situation to redraw their borders illegally and unilaterally.

If anyone thinks that this is a reasonable (or even morally upright) stance, I'd like to hear it. Outrageous.

Be Kind, Rewind

According to Scott Weinberg of Rotten Tomatoes, Michel Gondry (director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and Jack Black will be teaming up for a new film called "Be Kind, Rewind".

Here's the premise:

In the film, Black plays Jerry, a man whose headaches lead him to believe his brain is melting. His brain is magnetized, leading to the unintentional destruction of movies in his friend's store. In order to keep the store's one loyal customer, an elderly lady with signs of dementia, the pair re-creates a long line of films including "The Lion King," "Rush Hour," "Back to the Future" and "Robocop."

Ladies and gentlemen, I feel safe to say that Jack Black is the Messiah. Jews, pack it in. It's over. He's here to save us all.

To the Supermax!

The Zacharias Moussaoui trial is finally over, and we no longer have to hear the ravings of this crazy bastard. Personally, I think his participation in 9/11 is overblown, if not completely within Moussaoui's own stunted brain. This trial did virtually nothing to satisfy me in terms of retribution for the attacks.

However, one interesting nugget it did reveal is that the highest security prisons in the US are called "Supermax Prisons". Moussaoui will spend his last days at Florence, Colorado's United States Penitentiary Administrative Maximum Facility (ADX), the "Alcatraz of the Rockies", pictured at right.

ADX Florence was built after an unfortunate incident in 1983 at the previous supermax facility in Marion, IL, in which two prison guards were murdered by inmates. Marion was no longer able to handle the kind of total lockdown that prison officials deemed necessary to safely house the most dangerous motherfuckers in America (complete isolation for 23 hours a day, with no mixing of prisoners for dining, exercise, or religious services). Here's what resulted:

Most cells' furniture is made almost entirely out of poured concrete, including a desk, stool, and bed covered by a thin mattress. Each chamber contains a toilet that shuts off if plugged, a shower that runs on a timer to prevent flooding, and a sink missing a potentially dangerous tap. Rooms may also be fitted with polished steel mirrors bolted to the wall, an electric light, a 13-inch black and white television, and a cigarette lighter. Windows in rooms are small, set high up in the wall, and point towards the sky, confusing the prisoner as to his specific location within the complex.

The prison as a whole contains countless motion detectors and cameras, 1,400 remote-controlled steel doors, and 12 foot high razor wire fences. Laser beams, pressure pads, and attack dogs guard the area between the prison walls and razor wire. The facility is built into the side of a mountain, and visitors and prisoners enter through the same heavily-guarded tunnel.

Check out the Bureau of Prison's ADX homepage here.

Inmates of ADX include Eric Rudolph, Terry Nichols, Ted Kaczynski, Robert Hanssen, Ramzi Yousef, and Omar Abdel-Rahman.

Kids, stay in school and keep off the streets!

Mexico sucks again

Vicente Fox has decided not to sign the drug legalization bill into law after all, the AP reports.

I'm absolutely sure that the US pressured him on this. San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders is quoted in the article as saying:

I'm glad that he's listened to the many voices opposing the bill and made changes that will make good enforcement and not legalize drugs.

What voices? Your voice, San Diego mayor? The US embassy, perhaps?

Fox said that he wanted to make it "clear" that possession and consumption of drugs is illegal in Mexico. That's a pretty solid reason to veto this bill, considering that the bill seeks to virtually legalize possession and consumption of drugs for personal use.

Oh well. Snorting meth in the bathroom at the local Taco Bell will have to do for now.

SUPA FUPA

So I came across this image in a Reuters story about the world's fattest man: Manuel Uribe of Monterrey. The article has some truly priceless quotes about this sad situation/fat fuck:

"I can't walk. I'm can't leave my bed," the 40-year-old Uribe, who weighs the same as five baby elephants, said in a recent telephone interview.

Uribe will be flying to Rome for an intestinal bypass operation, and NATO has mobilized multiple AC-130 gunships to assist in the transfer.

If you were interested in Uribe's social life, keep reading:

His wife, horrified by his increasing size, feared the worst and abandoned him more than a decade ago.

"She left me because she must have thought I was dying," Uribe said.

I would submit that it's probably because she thought you were grotesquely obese. But that's just me.

Finally, I've been asked to identify that flap of flesh that appears to be spilling out from under Mr. Uribe's shirt. Some have even asked me if it's his testicles. I'm no doctor, but I doubt that eating a lot makes your balls grow to the size of silverback gorillas. Although that would be useful knowledge. No, I'd say that what we are in fact looking at is the male version of a FUPA, or "Fat Upper Pussy Area". For the FUPA amateurs out there, please read more here.

Mexico: Enjoy Smack. Legally.

The LA Times reports that Mexican President Vicente Fox will sign a bill that will result in the legalization of every drug sold by the Mexican cartels.

The list of drugs?

Cocaine
Heroin
LSD
Marijuana
PCP
Opium
Synthetic opiates
Mescaline
Peyote
Psilocybin mushrooms
Amphetamines
Methamphetamines

And where do you think I am planning my next vacation?

As a libertarian, I think this is an incredibly smart move. Drug violence will be virtually eliminated, and I seriously doubt that there will be a great increase in drug use. Non-criminal regulation will certainly work better than the ridiculously harsh penalties we have in the US.

On the other hand, those in the US advocating stronger borders are going to have a goddamn field day with this, saying that we are now sharing a border with what amounts to Amsterdam on steroids. The meth labs in Arkansas will now be shut down because meth factories in Guadalajara will be producing it in commercial bulk for much lower prices.

Read the entire LA Times piece here.

Thank you, Peter King

Peter King of Sports Illustrated spent draft weekend in New Orleans. This morning, before he answered emails from his readers, he wrote about the outrage he felt after seeing the Lower 9th Ward in New Orleans. Here's an excerpt:

Well, my wife and I were in a car last Wednesday that toured the hardest-hit area of New Orleans, the Lower Ninth Ward. We worked a day at a nearby Habitat for Humanity site on Thursday, and we toured the Biloxi/Gulfport/Long Beach/Pass Christian gulf shore area last Friday. And let me just say this: I can absolutely guarantee you that if you'd been in the car with us, no matter how much you'd been hit over the head with the effects of this disaster, you would not have Katrina fatigue.

What I saw was a national disgrace. An inexcusable, irresponsible, borderline criminal national disgrace. I am ashamed of this country for the inaction I saw everywhere.

Read the entire article here.

If you haven't had a chance to visit New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina ripped the life out of it, do it now.

Saints Draft Wrap-up

The 2006 NFL Draft is over, and our coverage was non-existent. Apologies. You'll just have to wait for the Extravaganza we have planned for the 2007 NFL Draft. Only 362 days to go.

A few notes on the 'Aints draft:

When I said that I would have preferred that the Saints trade the Reggie Bush pick, I meant that I would have preferred to have gotten a huge blockbuster trade (a la Ricky Williams). That never materialized. In fact, Sean Payton said that none of the trade offers were even close. The Jets weren't even offering their second round pick.

Regardless, I've changed my mind. New Orleans is actually a good spot for him. He can be in a two-back system as he was at SC, with Deuce McAllister playing the part of LenDale White. If he had gone to a team without a running back (or even the Texans with an undersized Domanick Davis), I think he might be put in unfavorable situations for his abilities: short yardage, goal line, etc. He's just not going to be able to do a whole lot of running between the tackles in the NFL. On top of the fact that he'll complement Deuce (I just got an erection writing that), New Orleans needs the kind of excitement he'll bring. The city is going nuts right now. People were high-fiving Tom Benson in the parking lot outside the Saints home office. TOM BENSON. And the Saints ticket office has been getting steady calls for season tickets, now exceeding the rate tickets were sold last year. I may be forced to attend the emotional homecoming of the Saints as they host the Falcons in the 'Dome for MNF. The place will be out of control.

Now all I've got to do is buy a Bush jersey. Apparently 15,000 have already been ordered.

As for the other picks, I'm a little underwhelmed, especially with the second round choice of Roman Harper, Safety out of Alabama. However, Mike Triplett of the Times Pic says that there's a clear theme in Payton's first draft:

The theme became more and more evident as the Saints' draft picks were announced this weekend.

Team captains. Team MVPs. National award winners and all-conference players.

It was clear that on-field production and off-the-field character meant more in the Saints' war room than 40 times and vertical leaps alone.

While I don't know how this will work out, I have a lot of respect for the strategy. The Saints have always drafted on physical potential with mixed results (see Donte Stallworth). It'll be nice to have some leaders, some good character on the team.

UPDATE: Mike Triplett, in another Times Picayune article, says: "In case you hadn't noticed, Reggie Bush is a big deal." He's kind of a big deal.